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Have you called him?

[ There isn't a lot of room for Loki to leave to, and if he's trying to spare Tony like Tony believes he is, then he clearly needs a talking to. ]

[ that just makes Tony sigh, taking a moment to sip his coffee. ]

Left him a message. He wasn't-- wasn't in his room at the Sanctum. I just-- fuck.

Okay. We can find him. There aren't that many places he'll go.

It'll be all right.

[ Tony blinks up at Steve. leave it to him to think like that--]

No, Steve. He broke up with me. Pretty sure when you vanish in the middle of a date with the words "I'm leaving you" he doesn't want to be found. I just-- more than anything, I am sorry. I'm sorry that you thought I lied, I didn't-- I wasn't aware of how he felt and--

[ look where that got him ]

[ The lines of disapproval deepen as Tony tells him Loki left during a date. Who does that? Okay, so maybe he would do that, but only for important business! For work, not to hurt his partner. Steve places a hand on Tony's arm. ]

It's okay. I'm not that surprised. It's Loki, he didn't tell the truth. The- stars are in the sky and it's another day. He left because he was jealous and hurt and maybe he even thought he was helping you. If you talk as much as we talked when I spoke to him, I doubt he really heard much of anything you were saying.

Can't say I don't think running off like that isn't spoiled, but if you want to talk to him, we can find a way.

Steve, no-- I don't--

[ Tony sighs, runs a hand through his hair and is quiet for a moment as he marshals his thoughts together. on the one hand, he does want to talk to Loki to figure out just what the hell the god thought he was doing, but on the other--

Tony needs time, he is still hurt, still has an echo of betrayal in his chest and maybe it was better like this for a while. ]

I don't want to. Not right now. He used my feelings for him as a way to try and hurt you, Steve. He never outright lied to me, but-- he didn't tell me the truth either. Also, he heard everything I said, maybe too well.

And I am telling you because I said I would be honest, not because I want you to help fix us or something. That is on me and him, no one else. And I am sorry for what he said even if-- even if I don't know exactly what it was, but it stemmed from me not communicating.

What he said came from him being a jerk. That's all it was. He had the option to say something else if that's what he wanted to say. He's not stupid. He said what he said because he thought that trying to throw a few things my way would make him feel better. I've seen it plenty of times before.

[ From eight-year-olds throwing stones. He's very familiar with how spite and casual dislike work. ]

And I don't think everything he said was wrong. I did hurt him, even if that wasn't what I meant to do. I put him in a place he wasn't ready for, and whatever you thought was communicated, well, maybe he just felt like he didn't have any option but to agree at the time. But he had the ability to speak up. That much? That's on him.

I'm sorry he walked out on you.

[ sighing heavily, Tony slouches a little as he listens, drums his fingers absently against his coffee and tries to fine sense in the chaos. this is not the way he saw things going, though perhaps he should have known better, what with one of the variables being chaos itself.

the apology from Steve sits uncomfortably on his shoulders, but he doesn't address it. not right now.]

...perhaps. What-- [ he swallows down the bitter emotions and focuses on Steve.] What of you and Loki? He came to see me a while back, it was-- interesting.

[ Steve's attention sharpens and focuses in on Tony when he mentions Loki. His eyes fix on the man, blue and piercing, but he doesn't quite frown. He's wary, but there is trust there. ]

He visited you? He didn't mention that to me.

[ The gaze lingers while Steve decides if he wants to ask what Loki said, but he decides that he believes in whatever it was. The Loki he has come to know a little more will tell Steve whatever he's thinking when he's ready. ]

Things have been all right. He's upset about the kiss, but we talked about it. I think he'll be okay now.

[ Steve sighs. ]

Should have kept it to myself.

Mmm, honestly? I think he is good for you.

[ there is a quiet smile at that, despite his own troubles he is honestly happy for Steve; even though he and Loki might not see eye to eye, he understood that god a little more than his own. and while he winces at the mention of the kiss, there is relief on his face that the god did end up working it out with Steve.

he was fairly sure that would be the case after they talked, but it was good to hear it from Steve.]

I know, and I am glad you worked it out. He was... well he has a very interesting way of getting the information he wants. And I owe him a coffee.

[ the smile is cast down, eyes lingering on the aforementioned liquid before he sighs and, not really looking at Steve, asks:] Do you regret it?

Good for me?

[ Does that exist? Steve gives Tony a quizzical look, one eyebrow slightly cocked and his head tilting at the thought. Not that he doesn't enjoy Loki's company, but he's never thought of it as being good for him. As far as he knows, nothing has changed. Not really. ]

Well, I'm glad you two apparently got along. I'd hate to have to butt in. He's a good guy. Doesn't like to hear it, but it's true... like someone else I know.

[ He pauses at the question, thinking it over. ]

I regret what it did. Not what it meant, but- If it weren't for me, a lot of people would be happier right now.

[ there is the barest of laughs at that, at the confusion of someone being good for Steve. he means it though, there was an edge to Loki that made Tony think that the god could keep up with Steve, and perhaps even be okay with his brasher traits.

though he simply raises an eyebrow at the comment about being a good guy, ignores any implications that it might have towards him and instead, waits for the answer to the question that Tony is fairly sure he never should have asked.

but at the same time? he needs to know, if Steve regrets kissing him, taking that chance, not for what it meant for Tony, but what it meant for Steve.

somehow, he isn't all that surprised by the answer.]

... I don't. And I don't think-- I don't think the way things happened are really on you either.

[ Tony laughs like Steve's question somehow amuses him. He isn't sure why that is, which probably means he's missing the point. He smiles slightly despite the tension between them. It does help to talk to Tony again. Steve is happy to get that chance, relieved that they are still able to talk without fighting. ]

You don't think you would have been happier if things had continued to go smoothly?

[ The question is gentle, probing cautiously. ]

I don't regret it.

Would I have been happier? Maybe.

[ the wistful smile is back, tugging at the corners of his mouth as he thinks about Loki as he was during that week where memories were missing. thinks about laughter in the dark and gold at the corner of his vision. he thinks about that promise, 'you will always be mine' hissed between the raindrops and the fickleness of chaos contained.

Tony isn't one for lying, even when it suits him.]

I think that getting too caught up in thoughts about something that isn't might be considered a bit sentimental, don't you think? But happier right now, maybe. In the long run? Who knows.

[ and honestly? it still hurts, a sharp pain between the ribs. he never planned on falling for Loki, but--.]

Still, I am sorry he took it out on you.

Is it that sentimental? You know how easy it can be to lose something important. I hate to be the one that took that away from you.

[ Which Steve can see reflecting in Tony's expression and his responses. It's one thing to lose someone because they drifted apart or couldn't make things work, but it's another entirely when his actions brought about the loss. ]

He blamed me. I think that says something. I don't blame him for being angry, but he shouldn't have given up on you.

You didn't take it from me. I told him the same thing. You couldn't take me from him and he couldn't take me from you, so he took himself away from me.

[ and Tony knows, when he isn't feeling so raw, that he will know that it is because the godling was so afraid of hurting Tony in anyway. that he was afraid he would be the reason Tony would either get sick of him or be hurt by him. and in some sense he gets that, but he also isn't sure how easy it will be to get over that.

still, there is a set of bracers in his workshop that he needs to drop off sooner rather than later.]

No, he shouldn't have run. [ a sigh as he hang his head. ] But that is on him, not you. All your actions did was create a conversation. One that we would have needed to have either way really.

He's really burnt up about the idea of you having thoughts about me, huh?

[ That says something about Loki, and Steve can't fix that. He looks at Tony, questioning, searching his face for some answer he isn't sure he knows the question to. What went on between the two of them is a mystery to Steve. He doesn't know what their relationship was like, but the idea that Loki could leave because he didn't want Tony to like Steve makes him question how invested they both were to begin with. ]

What do you want?

[ there is truth there, that Loki didn't like the idea of Tony with Steve. even though the god admitted that he always thought of them as something that was inevitable. something that couldn't be avoided no matter what, but Loki was still willing to put himself in the mix. it made Tony wonder how much of this was also for Loki, for him to protect himself when he already had dealt with so many people leaving him.

but Tony doesn't respond with words, just a shake of his head as he fixates on his coffee a little more.

there is a flicker of surprise at the question however, and Tony takes a moment to think about it. ]

I-- in general? I want to make the damn turrets work and work well. But you don't mean that do you.

[ Steve's expression is steady and for once not pushing or ready for a fight. He's waiting, open and patient, and perhaps he did learn some of that from dealing with Loki, although he doesn't recognize that. It's the closest he's come in a long while to the older days, when he didn't feel quite as much weight on his shoulders. ]

It could mean that, if that's what you want. It can mean whatever you want it to mean. I'm asking.

What are you offering though, Steve?

[ because maybe that was what was more important. Tony doesn't think he wants to jump right into whatever with Steve, but he wants him there. wants that presence solid and grounding and understanding in a way that only Steve is. the way he is open and waiting now, being support Tony needs even when he doesn't have to be.

because Tony doesn't want to lose any more people that he cares for, not right now. and if all Steve wants is what they have, he will work with that. but if he still wants something different, Tony is also willing to work towards that, slowly. ]

[ That question makes him frown. If he didn't have coffee in his hand, he might cross his arms. ]

Are we negotiating right now? Is this how you've been doing things? Maybe that's your problem, Tony.

What do you want to do now? It's a question. Only you can answer it.

[ maybe that is his problem. maybe he is the problem, and that would make sense wouldn't it? even when he tries, even when he is willing to bend, or willing to fight, it always ends up the same. there has to be a common denominator somewhere, that was just the way it works.

but at the same time, it isn't a question that Steve is asking, not to Tony. so when Tony looks up at him, the hurricane of hurt and guilt and trust, he doesn't try to hide the hope or affection either. doesn't quiet the undertow of love that is always there, curled around his ribcage in waiting.]

My answer hasn't changed, Steve. I want to try. I want to try to make this place safe, I want to try to be a better person, I want to try to be worthy of the affection that is given to me. I want-- I want to try at whatever you are willing to give.

[ Tony wants a lot. It's a mess of different goals and scattered fragments of wishes, and Steve thinks that this probably is really what is holding him back. He wants so much -- and they are good goals, good dreams -- but even he can't direct them all. He sighs, relenting a little in sympathy, because he knows that frustration. Tony just had his world turned on end and he's reeling, grasping at whatever straws he can and just hoping he can piece them together. ]

You're going to need a plan. And you're always worthy of affection, there's no price placed on that. We all want to be better, but that's not really what I'm asking, Tony.

Maybe instead of asking what everyone else wants, you figure out what it is you want first. You asked me before to try, so I'm asking you now: Try what? You can't build a bridge without a clear picture of what you want it to look like, and if your pictures so far have been trying to satisfy everyone else, you probably need to scrap those and start over.

I'm willing to work with you on that.

Edited 2017-08-23 00:58 (UTC)

I guess throwing myself into the mess and hoping for the best doesn't count as a plan, huh?

[ and maybe Steve has a point; he spends a lot more time looking out, looking at the world and the problems that need to be solved and the ways that he has to make up for things than he does looking at himself and what he wants. it is easier, really, to look outward when you feel like you have something to prove.

there isn't anything to prove here. not with Steve.]

You know, no one has asked me that question, honestly asked me that, since I was five. [ not anyone who actually cared about the answer at least. with honesty in their voice and not exasperation or a wanting of their own. ] But working with you? That-- that is part of the picture I want yeah.

Well, that part you already have, Tony.

[ The warmth and ease in Steve's stance is back. He's talking to his friend, with no conditions or expectations between them. There's no competition to win or pressure to meet some better, greater potential for the moment. They are discussing nothing more than just moving forward, and Steve can answer honestly without trying to piece together what Tony might or might not mean. ]

I'm with you. Whatever it is you want to do, you can tell me and I'll help in whatever way I can.

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